A lot has happened since I last posted. I have certainly learned a lot more about myself during this job than any other experience in my life and not all of it is good. It's been very depressing to think about, but I think I'm at the point where I can talk about what the heck happened.
I need to be more assertive about me hitting my limits. One thing a co-worker told me that if I was to survive, I'd have to learn to say "no" to my superiors at the right times and in the right way. I was a complete door mat and I got trampled to say the least.
Don't let fear make the best of you. I had a fear of failure that ultimately became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It grabbed a hold of my urge to please(which has gone overboard since my confidence sunk into a pit a few years back) and twisted it into something that would do/say anything that it'd think would make others happy. Including some behaviors I will regret the rest of my life. I wanted to regret stuff like tattoos, driving a motorcycle too fast on a curvy road or spending too much money on sushi in the Ginza, not bad interpersonal crap like this.
All that and a hectic schedule rendered my brain into mush. I was only part way understanding things. I knew how some systems worked, but then when trying to apply stuff with them, my brain just fizzled. This was not always the case, but I was not in a normal state at the time. I'm still not sure if I'm fully recovered yet. Travels on the road to recovery are slow but at least they aren't going backwards.
